I have a few friends that have children around Lilian's age, give or take a month or two. Now, no two mom's are the same and of course I realize that and there are several things that I did extremely different than them. I'm not saying I'm better by any means, just different. One thing that I saw that we did different and tried putting myself in their shoe and just absolutely couldn't, was being a working mom.
I understand that sometimes this subject is touchy for some, but I really don't care. I am not posting this for working moms to defend themselves, I'm posting this to give everyone a stay-at-home-mom's point of view, or rather, fear. Back to my post->
I've even babysat for said friends, and to see the little one run as fast as they can to reach the door before the parent leaves, honestly, is beyond heartbreaking, and they are not even my child. This happened for well over two months, with no change in this child's reaction. After about two hours (yes, two hours of holding him, cuddling, bottle feeding and rocking.) he'd calm down a little, but anything would set him off. If he'd trip, not fall, just trip, he'd break down crying and run to the front door and bang on it and call "mama."
I know not every child is like this, but honestly, I rather be broke as hell, than have my child feel like I abandoned them everyday like this child honestly felt. When I looked into his eyes, I saw he was scared, not of me or Lili, but it looked like he was scared because he didn't know what was going to happen. When I held him against me, he felt a little better, and I'm guessing because I somewhat substituted the feeling his mother gave him, the feeling he was crying for. I could never subject Lilian to this, ever. There are times that I just closed my eyes and pictured me dropping Lilian off at some daycare and walking away, I literally get teary eyed and goose bumps. I know she'd cry until she would hiccup, I know she wouldn't understand why I was still walking away from her even though I hear her crying, I know she wouldn't know when I was coming back or why I was leaving her in the first place. I couldn't let Lilian feel that insecurity, because I'm her mother, I am her security, at least at the this age.
AGAIN, I am not saying working mothers suck or do a horrible job, blah blah blah. I'm just saying I couldn't do it and I know how my child would feel and I feel I couldn't let her feel like that if I had the power to prevent it.
I have never left Lilian with anyone other than her father or my mother, two people she feels just as close to as me. I will NEVER leave her with anyone else. Call me prude, overprotective, whatever, I call it safe and secure. She loves her father to pieces and she loves my mom, she trust them, she feels SAFE with them and that is what matters. There have been plenty of times I had to strap Lilian to me and bring her to a GYN appointment or something similiar because my husband or mother weren't available. Do I have other relatives or friends there? Of course, would I trust them? Maybe. Would Lilian? No. And that answer means Lilian is coming with me.
You know when I think about it, I can see that maybe I am just as scared as Lilian to have ever put her in a daycare, I guess that makes me a little overprotective, but honestly I couldn't careless, because we have a awesome bond. A bond that I never could have imagined I would ever have with my daughter. I understand that me not being able to let her go to just anyone makes me seem a little over the top or wimp-ish, but again, I don't care. I look at it as this. I got pregnant with the mind set that my full time job for the next18 years is going to be a mother. Not a half-ass mom (not saying working mom's are...just listen.) were I am going to keep going out, acting young. I am going to do my best in every quality of Lilian's or any of my children's life. That means treat my pregnancy with the highest care and treat my infant to best care etc. One of those things was for me to stay at home and be the one that raises my child, not someone else.
So when Lil'Peanut gets here, I'm going to be her daycare too, because I think that's the way she would rather have it. Are we going to be broke? Yes. But does Lilian and Peanut have the most toys and clothes on the block? Yes. Are they still well fed and get the best diapers? Yes. And that is what matters.
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Hi i have never left u a comment before but i wanted to add something!! I totally understand what your saying! But i am a working mom (i have no choice lol) but i wont leave my daughter with anyone except my mom and i mean if my mom has to do something i ALWAYS find a way to leave early or have one of my cousins watch her for like 30 mins If that!! She cries when she goes to her dads and wants me and it makes him mad that i wont leave her there if she is crying when i go to leave!! same thing with the rest of his family!! its sad but obviosly Reina is not comfortable and is scared and i am her mother my job is to protect her so i totally understand where ur coming from ;) someday i will be able to be a stay at home mommy!!! but for now its just me and my girl :)
ReplyDeleteI would love to be a SAHM- unfortunately it didn't work out like that. DH is for now a SAHD- and if I made enough money to support us both that would totally make up for me not being able to be a SAHM. It breaks my heart when I leave & Delilah gets upset (which thankfully isn't all that much since we distract her). Anyway, I think it's wonderful you have the chance to be a SAHM. And there's nothing wrong with leaving Lili with only your mom or DH. We only leave Delilah with my parents too. Once I left her with a friend who she trusted & was comfortable with otherwise but boy was that a mistake! She hated that friend's house (well ex-friend) from then on afraid we were going to leave her there again (we never did). Anyway! Don't let anyone make you feel like you're wrong for doing things the way you do them. That's what makes us all different- yet still awesome- parents from one another.
ReplyDeleteI can't believe it's the first time I'm commenting too (sorry, I've waited too long). I had two things to say I guess, that really pander to both sides of this oft talked about issue.
ReplyDeleteFirst, I will say that SAHM's (first time I used that acronym) are undervalued. While everyone does say in a "But you know" tone of voice that being a stay at home mom is still a job, very few people truly believe it. I think in our society people often get use-value mixed up with monetary value. Since mom's don't get PAID any money, it seems that many people subconsciously feel that their job isn't WORTH any money. That couldn't be further from the truth. It's easy to say the best things in life are free. It's another to truly feel that in your heart of hearts. A SAHM life is often called a sweet life, however if mom's were given a monetary value corresponding to the use-value that is intrinsic in them it would be comparable to a high-paying (and very hard working) job.
On the other side of the coin - studies (and my opinion :-)) show that the difference in quality care by a working mother and SAHM are trivial at most. Studies have shown that both types of mother show about the same amount of affection per day (roughly 138 minutes/day). This is also the case with quality time. Working mothers seem to subconsciously maneuver their schedule and employ multi-tasking much more than their stay-at-home counterparts, in the end achieving the same amount of "quality time" (whatever the psychologists considered that to be). In the end, for both types of mothers, TV is actually the main cause of distraction from affection and/or quality time. Historically, today's working mother's actually spend more time with their children than any other mother in history. This is partly due to lightening work schedules, but primarily to the rise of developmental psychology.
In the end, I guess what I'm trying to say is that regardless if a mother works or not, nature always finds its balance. If mothers must work, nature will find a way for to be just as good a mother. SAHM's work very hard at home. Working mom's work very hard at the office. I get the feeling that they both work just as hard at being mothers.
Wow, awesome comments. I love that no one is defensive, totally not the point of the post. Danny, I love love your comment, it's honest and very nice. You are very right when saying it takes a strong woman to be a SAHM or a working mom, I just don't think I would be strong enough to be the latter. I am a softy. I love my JOB, it's awesome, and out of all my jobs, this one has the best benefits package. HAH.
ReplyDeleteWell, Lily's turned out to be the star of the family, and I'm sure Peanut will too. It's nice to see things go so well.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I thought I'd mess with Tati (our dad) and tell him I found out you were going to name this little girl "Vasalica" after him.