I have something to deeply consider

And all I have done so far is make a mental note that I have to consider this potential situation. The thought I even have to consider this potential situation stresses me. Something that has happened in my past has slithered back into my life and the option to "relive" it has come up, but with time and age, I have dealt with particular time in my life and layered other memories on top of it. I don't know if I want to dig through my life and try and find everything I've put away . Is that selfish? I have honestly spent a good amount of years learning how to hide the emotions and fears, why would I want to go through that again?
On the other hand if I do decide rekindle the past, there is a possibility that my story can help other people and people in the future. Right now I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place. I don't know what to do.....maybe with a couple of days, I'll figure it out. Maybe I should have said something 15 years ago.......Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

I just want to dedicate a post to Lily

I've read about some recent events lately that deeply saddened me and opened my eyes dramatically. So because of emotions I am feeling, I would like to post to my little Lily.

Dear Lilian,
The first time I wrote you a letter you were still in my belly, comfy and squished. Now look at you! You are growing so fast, and honestly, sometimes, it brings tears to my eyes. Not because I'm sad (well a little) but rather because you astonish me. The way your face beams when you smile, the way you are happy for the smallest, simplest things. You amaze me with you humble intelligence and your restless curiosity. Lily you are my greatest love. I didn't pay much attention to people when they stated "You will know what love is when your baby is born." But now that you are with me, I realize the reason love exsists. I realize how intense love can actually be, and it's mind blowing.
I adore the way you eyes smile when you look at me, it warms my heart everytime. I love the way you reach for me and no one else (except daddy) when you want to be cuddled. I love your huge sense of humor, and how you love to share it. I am honored and humbled to be your mother, I couldn't have asked for anything more rewarding.
Lilian Zahara, you......you are my everything, thank you for making my life meaningful and full of early morning giggles in bed, fun bath time splashes, and sweet nightime kisses. Thank you for just being my baby. I love you more than you know and I always will.

Love,


Your mother

I don't want to Jinx it but.....

GO RAYS! We are 12-3 top of the seventh.....We are giving the Yankees a good spanking.HAH. Sorry if you are a yankees fan.
Update:
So we won....by a long shot 15-3 WOOHOO!

It's over!

Lilian seems to be feeling better as of Friday night. She didn't have a fever and hasn't vomited since, so I think we are in the clear....so far.....four days from now, she'll have something else, be it thrush, ear infection (hasn't had yet) another cold....something will go wrong. Either way, I am grateful she is feeling back to her silly, giggly self. I needed to get a couple of things off my chest. These aren't confessions (awww no fun), more of things that get me angery but I haven't expressed them really.
First, I HATE when people grab my baby's hands!!! I can't tell you how many times I have told someone "She's always sticking her hands in her mouth, she loves them!" no longer do I finish the sentence does that person have their hand interlocked with Lily's!! I think to myself "DID YOU NOT JUST HEAR ME?!?" If you know a baby, which usually has a immature immune system, likes to munch,suck and just keep their hand in their mouth, why would you proceed to touch it? Also, 9 out of 10 times that person touching her is/was a mother themselves, so I assumed they would know......guess not. Well it happened yesterday,again, at church. This time I was so over this. I straight yanked (didn't hurt Lily) Lily's hand out of this lady's hand....I'm so over having to repeat myself to the same people, I'm just over having to repeat myself period, so I'm moving on to being rude. Sorry. Looks like it came to this. I'm tired of my Baby getting sick because people refuse to clean their hands and insist on touching my baby's hands. Gross.

Second, it TOTALLY pisses me off when people that are barely involved in Lilian's life, I mean barely even see her give me advice on raising her....well scratch that...they don't give advice...rather they tell me I'm doing it ALL wrong. For example, I have a hard time letting my little one cry, I can't do it. My heart literally feels like it's going to break in to a million pieces when I hear her cry. I have had a lot of people tell me to let her cry it out at night....."she'll be fine....she has to learn" Ummmm, she's not a dog! We aren't trying to train her to roll over here. If my natural instinct is to scoop her up and comfort her, how is that the wrong thing to do?
Believe me I have a lot more, but I'll leave you with some cute pictures of my little one.

My poor little Lily

For the last couple of days Lilian wasn't throwing up every now and again. I tried not to freak out and over think it. I thought maybe I was just filling her up to much with solid food, and I should slow down. Well that didn't improve a thing. Yesterday, she was so moody, no matter what I did, she didn't act her normal, happy, silly self. This morning was just a continuation of yesterday, plus she had a fever of 101.9 and she threw up three times in a row. I felt so horrible.....how could I over look my baby being sick, and just think she was being moody. Ugh. I felt like such a horrible mom, how could I have missed this? So I just took her to the docs this morning, and of course I got the "It's a virus, you have to ride it out" talk. I bought the essentials, pedi.lyte, and some solids that will stay in her belly, rice, apples and bananas.
Her eyes just screamed "I'm sick". They are red, with heavy eye lids. Now she is sleeping every chance she gets. If I could take this for her, I would in a half a heart beat. Seriously.
She's acting a little more like herself, so I might take her for a walk, get some fresh air. Poor baby. Here is her not feeling so well, on the way home from the doctors.

It looked like fun

Pretty cool word cloud, huh? You can do it at wordle, I found that site at a blog I stumbled on.

Filling my little one's tummy

Let me just say, breastfeeding is by far the hardest thing I've done so far in reference to raising Lilian. It's inconvenient, in the beginning it's painful, it's stressful (is my baby getting enough milk from me?). Then of course are the comments when other people ask if your breastfeeding, like "Isn't she old to be breastfed?" How the hell is a 6 month old, too old to be breastfed? Whatever.
Even though breastfeeding my daughter has been hard for me (I know alot of women have it harder.), it's the most enjoyable thing we have between each other. When it's time to nurse, I feel like I can almost sigh out of relief, and just relax. I actually read that nursing releases endorphins in women....makes sense.
Well we started solids, and it's bitter sweet. I realize, even though she's only 6 months.....my little baby is growing up and won't need my milk as much, but I do like the more free time solids has brought me in between nursing. Sometimes, though, solids seems a little stressful We started with apples which I thought Lilian liked, but now, she has thrown up twice with apples. She has thrown up other foods also, so I thought I was filling her up too much, and cut down her portions. Nope....didn't work. I then thought of trying different textures, that didn't seem to make a difference. Now I don't want to make it sound like she throws up ALL the time, she has only thrown up probably four times, and we've started solids a month ago. So I guess just like breast feeding.....solids are going to be complicated and exhausting, but worth it in the end.

A lot of time has past

My little girl is already 6 months. I can't believe it. I remember when she was a newborn thinking 6 months was ~so~ far away. It snuck up on me. It might sound pathetic, but when I she her reach her milestones it almost makes me sad that she's growing up. So far she's been eating solids for about three weeks or so, sitting up unassisted, and rolling both ways.
Being a stay at home mom, or just a mom in general has been a learning experience, and I don't see the learning part ending any time soon. Every day I understand a little more what it means to be a mom. If that means me going unappreciated, or feeling like I don't have a ounce of energy left at the end of the day, but hearing my baby cry, and all of sudden I get a instant second wind. I never knew how much I could actually juggle or multi-task until I had to do a lot of things alone with Lily. Like just getting ready to go to the store is insane. Or getting ready to go to church.....it's crazy how much stuff such a little body needs!
Another thing I realized is it doesn't matter how bad you look like you need help (i.e you have one baby in one hand, with a purse, diaper bag, toys, clothes, grocery bags, keys, the phone is ringing, all while trying to load groceries in the trunk) people are not any more courteous or ask to help. I can't tell you how many times people just look at me with pity one their face, but never offer a helping hand....Jerks! I know if I saw a woman in my position I would help without question, or anyone for that matter. Let me give a example. I was doing laundry in my condo complex laundry room. I was home alone, so I had to take Lily with me. I was transfering the clothes for two washing machine to two different dryers...with a baby on the hip. It was very difficult......this old krotchy man is sitting 20ft away from me watching me do this. As I'm turn to close the door to dryer No.1 the jerk says "Turn off the light to the laundry room!" So you are watching me struggle, don't offer to help, but just want to make sure I shut off the stupid light......loser. Sorry for the vent, but that kind of stuff upsets me. Well Lily woke up from her nap and is screaming. I'll be back later!