Uh-Oh!

It's Lily's new thing her dad taught her. It's cute. She won't verbally say it, but she'll hum it back to you.
It's so surprising how fast little ones learn. Lily is also saying "clap" technically she is saying "app" but it's the thought that counts. She'll clap if you ask her too, she's so smart. (alright I know she's average, but still, she makes me proud.) She's also standing up on her own for a few seconds before she plops on her butt. She's cruising like a champ too. Alright I'll stop bragging about my little munchkin.
Last night she stayed up waaay past her bedtime, but we were having so much fun. She would walk and crawl around the living room and then plop on her butt and watch t.v, then she was on the move again.
I haven't been able to take pictures lately, we've been a little busy. We are getting ready to visit Lily great grandmother. But as soon as we get back I'll post some Lily and great grandmother pictures!
I had my doctor's appointment yesterday...nothing big.

I'll see ya when I get back!

We're Back!

Lily did ok at her doctor's appointment. But before I update you on that let me tell you a quick story about our (Lilian and I) trip to Ta.r.get the other day to get her bed rail.
That morning started out rough to say the least, and the rest of the day wasn't much better. Lilian and I took the truck to the store, the truck that has no A/C and it's hot as hell outside. After parking in a non-shaded area, we made the trek to the front doors....that's when I smelled the famous poop smell coming from stinkers diapers....ugh. So I took her straight to the bathroom inside to change her. The second her head touched the changing table, she screamed! So I lifted her up to make sure she wasn't hurt or uncomfortable...she was fine. So I tried again....she started screaming crying. I guess she just didn't feel like having her diaper changed, but it needed to get done! So I commenced changing her diaper through her hysterical screaming and crying. I mean we're talking red faced, eyes closed, screeching in a tiled bathroom, so you could imagine the echo and loudness. Let me put it to you this way: it was so loud and crazy that three....that's right three store employees came in to check and make sure I was beating my daughter. It was a little embarrassing to say the least. Once she was done, I clothed her and lifted her up, it was like nothing ever happened. She was talking and making raspberry sounds.....ridiculous. You should have seen the looks I was getting when we made our exit out of that bathroom....if looks could kill.....I wouldn't be typing this post right now.

Alright, I told you that story to tell you this. When we were waiting at the doctor's office, my precious little bean decided to take a dump in her pants. So we made the walk to the changing table which is in a newborn room, but not closed off to the rest of the waiting room. And yup, you guessed it, Lilian would NOT lay down for me to change her diaper. She screamed. As soon as stood her up, she was fine, so I tried again, nope. So I handed her my cell phone (that she loves) and tried again.....she wailed. So I decided to change her diaper while she was standing up. It worked. I can't believe I did it. So the whole appointment, every time I had to lay her down, she completely had a tantrum. When she got her shots, screamed, when the doctor checked her belly, screamed. I don't know what her deal is. She doesn't want to be laid down in public. When I lay her down at home, she's completely fine. Hmm.
So on to the update! She is 26lbs, 30 inches and has a head circumference of 18. She got her Hepatitis shot along with a test for Anemia. The doctor said he would like for her to get her flu shot in couple of months and that she will be getting a swine flu shot when it's available. Other than that, he said she is completely healthy. He said he is not worries about her weight at all ( I wasn't either so I don't know why he mentioned it) He said "She's not overweight at all, she's large for her age, but her height is also, so if anyone says differently to you, tell them to mind their business." HAH. I love my doctor, he's awesome.

Oh one last thing I wanted to mention. So my father is going back to my mother and his home country. He needs to visit his mother. She is getting worse mentally and he wants to visit her and set up arrangements so family members can look after her. He is also going to see his sibling. I have to get him a digital camera so he can take some pictures for me. I want to see what he has been telling me stories of for so many years. I can't wait. I wish I could go, but we are so broke. Alright I'll leave you with that. Lilian woke up from her nap!

Little tiny fingers on my computer screen

Lily was sitting in her Daddy's lap yesterday smacking the computer screen. I really should clean it off, because it's hard for me to see, but I love seeing her little finger prints

So this week I think is going to be exciting. Tomorrow we have Lilian's wellness check up. I get to see how much she's grown. I believe she's abour 27lbs and at least 30 inches. She gets her shots also, I'm going to be by myself, so I'm going to have to hold it together for Lilian. I remember the second time she got her shots, I had to walk to the farthest part of the room and concentrate on the wall. I couldn't bare hearing Lilian cry, I almost cried, but I held it in. The nurse almost got punched. You see my mother came with us to the appointment, but when it came time for Lilian's shots, my mom walked out of the room. So at the end of the whole vaccine ordeal, the nurse walked up to me and said " I think mom should have followed grandma out the door too." Ok so maybe her comment didn't warrant a punch, but I was a little sensitive at the time, and it seemed logitic to me. But I did nothing. I've calmed down A LOT since Lilian was born....man...have I calmed down.
Anyways, here are some pictures of Lily and us at the beach last week.

If my morning is a prelude of my day.....

I rather just go back to sleep.
At 6:30 this morning, my little one fell off the bed. Again. She was sleeping on her side, and for some reason, she thought she could roll over. BOOM. She hit the floor, along with my heart. Trust me, hearing you baby fall to the floor and then cry is NOT the first thing you want to hear in the morning. I felt so bad. She's usually very good about being next to the edge of the bed, she'll roll over towards me, but for some reason, she rolled the wrong way this morning. So today Lily and I are going to get a bed rail today. And to answer what some of you might be thinking....yes Lilian still sleeps with us. She'll fall asleep in her crib and usually around three or four in the morning, she'll wake up and I'll bring her in bed with us. She loves sleeping in bed with Jace and I, we don't mind, in fact I enjoy it. She's not going to be a baby for long, and before I know it, she'll be a independent young girl that doesn't want anything to do with her parents. Plus if she wants to nurse at night ( which is few and far between) this makes it a lot easier.
I hate it when the subject of co-sleeping comes up between a fellow mother and I, and they assume it's a invitation to give me warnings. "You don't want 7 year old sleeping in your bed, do you?" "Be careful, she might not be able to fall asleep in her own bed when she gets older." "You are creating a monster." I usually just nod, and say nothing. I don't feel like wasting energy by explaining why co-sleeping works for our family and all parties involved are happy, so they should keep their "advice" to themselves.
America is one of the only countries that co-sleeping is taboo. In a lot of other countries, co-sleeping and the family bed as it's called is more than expected, once you start a family. When Lilian sleeps with us, you can literally see her secure glow radiate off of her face. She sleeps soundly and since Jace works a full time job, this quality time they have together is crucial in my eyes.
Also I've read in a pediatric study, babies and children that slept with their parents had deeper sleep for longer periods of times. Also, these same babies and children had a easier transition to their own beds, woke less often at night, and had fewer bed wetting incidents. Why? Observing doctors involved in this study stated that the children felt more comfortable and associated security with bed time. That right there makes me feel like I'm making the right decision.
Wow, that turned into a unexpected rant....sorry. That was completely unintentional. Oh well.


** You know, I was thinking....I should have stated that Lilian was just fine after the fall. She cried for a minute ( I would too if I woke up that way.), I comforted her, nursed her and changed her diaper. She wasn't sleepy afterwards so she watched some t.v and then later, she took a nap. She's been her silly, laughing, dancing self.

I love the smell of a new car......

well this one actually smells like sweaty teenagers. HAH. We just bought a used SUV from a young kid and his mother. It's awesome nonetheless. It has skater stickers all over the place, it runs great and our dog, Duke, can fit in the back.
Liz, thanks for your comment, I will have to try writing again. I think I might go all out and buy a bad ass journal and everything. When I was younger, we (my friends and I) had a journal that we passed around. Anything goes in that journal, drawings, poems, questions, etc. I just found the journal not to long ago and wrote some poems in there and passed it to my brother, so we'll see how that goes. I would also like to write daily in another journal for Lily. Like write a letter to her everyday and give it to her when she's older.

I have nothing else really to report. Next week is going to start a couple of busy months. Next week Lily, Jace and I all have doctor's appointments. After that we have to start preparing for August. We have a religious convention to get ready for. We have to go pretty far out of town for three days. These conventions last from morning to early afternoon, so it's going to be very interesting and exhausting trying to keep a 10 month old busy. I already have the dresses she's going to wear, I'll post them later. Oh then in September we have a family wedding to attend in a different state. Then in October Lilian is going to be one! And somewhere in there we have to squeeze in Lilian's first baseball game. Wow, time has flown by.

Yup that wasn't me

Those pictures were my cousin, crazy huh? Lilian doesn't go to many people when they offer to hold her (only Jace, me and my mother) But when D came down, Lily had no problem going to her, I assumed it was because we looked so much a like. We sound nothing alike, I have almost a southern accent and she has a very Queens, NY accent.
I have some questions, now you aren't obligated to answer, because I am not necessarily asking them to be answered, but more just to give you an idea of the war going on in my heart right now. Is it wrong to get over a hurt in your heart only because time has passed and not because you actually dealt with the problem? I feel guilty because I'm starting to feel better since I starting forget my pain, does that make sense? I know not that much time has passed, but enough has to where I am not as big of wreck as the day I heard the news that broke me.

The other part of the battle going on is this. Say everything you felt and thought you knew of a pillar of person in you life was completely torn down and ripped away, how are you supposed to put that in perspective and deal with it? This pillar of a person has been so monumental in your life since you were a child, they helped mold you as a person. How are you supposed to grasp this change and move on without having a mental breakdown in front of your child and husband? Let me know if you figured this one out, because I am sure as hell lost. I have no idea what I supposed to do.
When I was younger (teenage) I was a very broken girl. I had a lot to deal with. I got through most of it, by writing poetry and doing other things that aren't a good idea, I did drugs and cut myself quite a bit. Anyways, I got past that, I evolved into a balanced, healthy young adult that didn't need any of those crutches to deal with problems. Now that all has changed. Now I haven't returned to any of those said crutches, but I feel like that same broken little teenage girl. Overwhelmed, suffocated. I never thought I would feel like this again. This might sound crazy, but I think I was stronger when I was 16.

I am still here.

So my cousin that was visiting left this weekend. We ( Jace, Lily and I) had a awesome time while she was down. During the day Lily went everywhere with me and D (my cousin), at night, my mom would watch Lily and we'd go out. We saw Tran.sfor.mers this weekend. It was awesome. Megan Fox's character was totally unnecessary. Now I'm not a hater by all means, but I just wish a hot girl could play a meaningful character in a movie besides being a focal point because of her bouncing boobs when she's running, or a close up when she's bending over, it's just sad. That's all.
Anyways, I'm still dealing with some issues, I feel a little better only because some time has passed and I've been focusing EVERYTHING I have on my family. On another note, here are some pictures from my week.

This is when D and Lily first met. Everytime I see this picture, I think it's me at first glance.
Lilian and her cousin Dominic hanging out. She is 6 months older than him, he is almost 3 months old.

We went to a sub shop and Lilian got a hat, she loved it!



I brought Lilian's walker over my cousin's large house.....she ran around and around and around, it was hilarious! Look at that grin.

Sad love songs

Do you ever listen to sad love songs and think "I wish that was all I had to deal with." ? I feel like that right now. I am going to keep the rest of my post pretty general and vague for personal reasons, but here it goes.
Lately I've been dealing with my past, and the past was pretty hurtful and changed my life dramatically . It seems that only a little longer until I can finally close this part of my life. In my the mean time another situation from the past came out of nowhere and punched me in the stomach and knocked the air right out of me. I don't know how I am supposed to pick myself up right now without falling right back down. So I might be absent from my blog unless I feel better for a brief moment, or if I feel like writing makes me feel better. The only thing that is keeping me outta my bed all day is my little girl and husband.

Larissa

You girls are great!

Those suggestions and experiences you gave me regarding smoking were so encouraging, it means more than you know. It made me warm and snuggly, HEH, I am nerd.
Anyway, I made my appointment yesterday for the dermatologist. I have an appointment at the end of this month and I'm sooooo excited.
This weekend my cousin is coming to town. I am really anxious to see her. We are really close, it feels like my sister is coming to visit more than my cousin, we also look quit a bit too, she just has a little darker of hair. We talk about everything and we are so much a like, it is sometimes annoying. I am just really happy she gets to meet Lily for the first time. So she is coming tomorrow and we are gathering at my parents house to have a dinner. There are going to be like almost twenty five people there, and I have to cook.....wow. I am going to cook a Romanian dish, of course considering my whole family is Romanian, except the people that my generation in my family have married. The dish I am going to cook is called Karup prăjit . It's pretty much potato's sliced, mixed with spices,salt, oil,onions,garlic and peppers, along with cut up sausage. Then you put it all in a casserole dish and bake it until the top is crispy, and you add this sauce that's made out of carrots, I particulary don't like that sauce.
Lily will be seeing one of her cousins that is 6 months younger than her. Oh and every person in my family except my brother and parents, smoke, so this will be a challenge, but I think I can do it.
I will post pictures on Monday. Thanks again girls for your comments I love'm

((Sigh))

Nothing new. I'm tired and bored, and I don't feel like starting today. Oh by the way, thanks for all the nice comments on my last post, you gals are awesome. Sorry if I haven't commented on your blogs lately, I have enough time to drink a cup of coffee and post on my blog, that's it. I will make the time, I promise.
Anyways, I am making an appointment with my dermatologist today. I want him to inspect my under eye circles and determine the cause. They can be from a number of things, like broken capillaries, empty space under my eye that is lacking fat deposits, or it can even be the way my eye/nose area is shaped causing a shadow. However I know for a fact that it's not from lack of sleep or my diet, since I have had dark circles since I was a itty bitty baby. Either way, I am going to gets these circles fixed, I HATE THEM with a passion. I hate them because they make me look tired and sick. When I don't where under eye concealer I get "Are you feeling ok?" "You look sick." Honestly I look a scab and missing tooth away from being a crack addict, seriously. If I'm not wearing concealor I'll honestly avoid eye contact, it's that bad of a insecurity. I hate hate hate them.

On to a different subject, I am still having a hard time dealing with not smoking. It bothers me every day. You know how bad I want to smoke a cigarette? I think about it EVERYDAY. It bothers me that so much time has passed and it is still as intense as the day I stopped. I weigh the pro's and con's about it, thinking it'd make it easier, nope, doesn't work. I know I don't want Lily to be that girl in her class that always smells like cigarettes, even her backpack. I know I don't want her to grow up with a smoking mother that tells her it's bad for her. I know that I don't want to have wrinkley skin because of it or one day be told I have lung cancer. I know that I don't want to disappoint my husband and parents because I picked up the habit again. I know that I'd be going against my religion tremendously. But what I don't know is how long I can go with this constant nagging feeling that I need /want cigarettes. They were my relaxing time. It was a break from the day, that I didn't need to talk to anyone, read anything, think about anything, just sat there ....i n h a l e................e x h a l e. Awwwww. In a way, and this might sound bizarre, I feel like I lost a part of my defination when I quit smoking. Does that make sense? It doesn't to me either. Whatever. If I never would have started smoking I wouldn't be going through this right now, and I absolutely hate this, I want to punch something. I wish so much wasn't riding on my decision to smoke or not......it's just plain crazy and overwhelming. I am going to go scream inside my pillow now.

My Baby is 9 months today.

My Lilian Zahara is officially 9 months today. Time has past by so fast. I remember when she was first born and I was a complete wreck. I was adjusting to being a new mom, adjusting to the constant breastfeeding, adjusting to the complete lack of any kind of down time, the overload of diapers, the colic. I remember thinking "I can't wait until she gets older, out of this newborn stage." Now I understand the saying "careful what you wish for." It feels like the time snuck out from under me. I know she is still a little baby, but I know she'll never be 9 months again, so I am trying my best to cherish these moments.
When I was pregnant with Lilian I wrote her a letter, telling her how much she was already loved and how much her father and I were looking forward to meeting her, and of course telling her to stay warm and cozy in my tummy as long as she needed. Then a couple of months after she was born I wrote her another letter, telling her of my love for her again; I plan on showing her these letters one day. So here is another for Lily:
Dear Lilian,
The day you were born I still remember so clearly, I remember my tears as I saw you for the first time, I remember the smell of your hair after your first bath. I remember the way I felt when I saw you, I knew I never loved anyone like that before.
Lilian, you are my pride and joy and I will do anything in my power to make sure you grow up as a healthy and happy little girl. I am excited to see you grow, knowing that we get to experience new things along the way, but it makes me want to slow things down so you will always be my little baby. Lilian, I love you with all of my heart and soul, I am beyond thankful to be your mother, thank you for being my little girl. I love you so much.

Your Mother.
In light of Lilian turning 9 months today, I'll leave you with some newborn to present pictures.

The Playground

So I brought Lilian to the park yesterday, and the day before. My little one loves the swing. She giggles and giggles, it's heart melting. However, she gets motion sickness, easily, just like her mama. Because of that detail, I try not to keep her in the swing for too long, she has vomited once because she was swinging for like 20 minutes. Anyways, when it came time to take her out of the swing, she got upset and screamed, so I put her back and tried again, again she screamed as soon as I put her tush back in the seat she gleamed with delight, it was hilarious.
After the swings, she went down the slide with her daddy, and attempted to crawl back up. She also made some friends and exchanged baby talk pleasantries. Then of course it started to rain. After getting Lily in her carseat, she passed out almost immediately.
I love this age, it's so awe inspiring to see new experiences through her little eyes, everything is exciting and mysterious. It makes my heart grow to see her huge smile whenever we try something new.
I couldn't imagine life without/before my little Lily.

Awesome weekend!

I spent the whole weekend with my family and it was great! Friday night my husband and I, along with a friend we'll call Jay went out to a restaurant. It was really a guy's sports bar, you know the kind, waitress' have their boobies hanging all in your face. It was fun nonetheless. I dropped Lilian off at Grandma's house, they had fun. Saturday Lilian, Jace and I went to see fireworks at the pier with some friends. Our friends have a little boy that is two months younger than Lilian, but right now they are only a month apart. They were soo cute together. Here is a picture of them playing on the blanket we put down on the grass, before the firework show.
Lilian is going for the face.....she isn't much of a lady, heh. ( Check out her little purple shoes, size five, I kid not.)




Lily loved the fireworks, it didn't scare her one bit. You know what did? People clapping at the end of the show.....scared the living bajeezes outta her. Poor thing. Here are some pictures of my little partner and me watching the fireworks.

Lilian is hanging out on the blanket....she's a silly character.

We also went to the park on Sunday. She went on the slides and swings. I have pictures of that also (of course) but, I'll post that some other time. How was everyone's weekend?

Have a nice weekend!

Mine is going to be a wet one. We have at least a 40% chance of rain until Tuesday. You'd think it'd be depressing, but after 22 years, you gets used to it. Anyways, this is my last post until Monday I might post some pictures later if Lilian and I make it to the park. Hope everyone has a nice weekend! Be safe!

Lily is not a baseball fan!

Yesterday my husband and I were cleaning the house and came across a wig we got at a Rays baseball game. What did we do? Put it on Lily of course. At first she didn't mind......that changed.