I guess that makes me a wimp.

I have a few friends that have children around Lilian's age, give or take a month or two. Now, no two mom's are the same and of course I realize that and there are several things that I did extremely different than them. I'm not saying I'm better by any means, just different. One thing that I saw that we did different and tried putting myself in their shoe and just absolutely couldn't, was being a working mom.
I understand that sometimes this subject is touchy for some, but I really don't care. I am not posting this for working moms to defend themselves, I'm posting this to give everyone a stay-at-home-mom's point of view, or rather, fear. Back to my post->

I've even babysat for said friends, and to see the little one run as fast as they can to reach the door before the parent leaves, honestly, is beyond heartbreaking, and they are not even my child. This happened for well over two months, with no change in this child's reaction. After about two hours (yes, two hours of holding him, cuddling, bottle feeding and rocking.) he'd calm down a little, but anything would set him off. If he'd trip, not fall, just trip, he'd break down crying and run to the front door and bang on it and call "mama."
I know not every child is like this, but honestly, I rather be broke as hell, than have my child feel like I abandoned them everyday like this child honestly felt. When I looked into his eyes, I saw he was scared, not of me or Lili, but it looked like he was scared because he didn't know what was going to happen. When I held him against me, he felt a little better, and I'm guessing because I somewhat substituted the feeling his mother gave him, the feeling he was crying for. I could never subject Lilian to this, ever. There are times that I just closed my eyes and pictured me dropping Lilian off at some daycare and walking away, I literally get teary eyed and goose bumps. I know she'd cry until she would hiccup, I know she wouldn't understand why I was still walking away from her even though I hear her crying, I know she wouldn't know when I was coming back or why I was leaving her in the first place. I couldn't let Lilian feel that insecurity, because I'm her mother, I am her security, at least at the this age.
AGAIN, I am not saying working mothers suck or do a horrible job, blah blah blah. I'm just saying I couldn't do it and I know how my child would feel and I feel I couldn't let her feel like that if I had the power to prevent it.
I have never left Lilian with anyone other than her father or my mother, two people she feels just as close to as me. I will NEVER leave her with anyone else. Call me prude, overprotective, whatever, I call it safe and secure. She loves her father to pieces and she loves my mom, she trust them, she feels SAFE with them and that is what matters. There have been plenty of times I had to strap Lilian to me and bring her to a GYN appointment or something similiar because my husband or mother weren't available. Do I have other relatives or friends there? Of course, would I trust them? Maybe. Would Lilian? No. And that answer means Lilian is coming with me.

You know when I think about it, I can see that maybe I am just as scared as Lilian to have ever put her in a daycare, I guess that makes me a little overprotective, but honestly I couldn't careless, because we have a awesome bond. A bond that I never could have imagined I would ever have with my daughter. I understand that me not being able to let her go to just anyone makes me seem a little over the top or wimp-ish, but again, I don't care. I look at it as this. I got pregnant with the mind set that my full time job for the next18 years is going to be a mother. Not a half-ass mom (not saying working mom's are...just listen.) were I am going to keep going out, acting young. I am going to do my best in every quality of Lilian's or any of my children's life. That means treat my pregnancy with the highest care and treat my infant to best care etc. One of those things was for me to stay at home and be the one that raises my child, not someone else.

So when Lil'Peanut gets here, I'm going to be her daycare too, because I think that's the way she would rather have it. Are we going to be broke? Yes. But does Lilian and Peanut have the most toys and clothes on the block? Yes. Are they still well fed and get the best diapers? Yes. And that is what matters.

I captured the cute-ness

With the awesome weather we have been having, Lilian has been to park more often. She loves it....I love watching her smile, so it's a win-win situation. I took some adorable pictures...observe (by the way, ignore the date stamp on the photos, they are completely incorrect, I totally messed it up somehow.):

In other news, Lilian's vocabulary is getting cuter by the day. She of course waves and says "hi" and "bye". She also nods and says "no", she barks at our two dogs (more about that later.) she says "choo choo" when you ask her "what sound does a train make?". She says "thanks" when you hand her something she is asking for, OH and the most hilarious one? She heard me call Jace a couple of times, so she was copy me and shout "JACE!" soooo funny.

As you may notice because of my semi-creepy widget to the right, I am going to be 20 weeks tomorrow.I can't wait to go shopping for little Miss. Peanut,get the girl's rooms in order etc. etc. SO exciting!. It's going to be so fun.