Nothing new. I'm tired and bored, and I don't feel like starting today. Oh by the way, thanks for all the nice comments on my last post, you gals are awesome. Sorry if I haven't commented on your blogs lately, I have enough time to drink a cup of coffee and post on my blog, that's it. I will make the time, I promise.
Anyways, I am making an appointment with my dermatologist today. I want him to inspect my under eye circles and determine the cause. They can be from a number of things, like broken capillaries, empty space under my eye that is lacking fat deposits, or it can even be the way my eye/nose area is shaped causing a shadow. However I know for a fact that it's not from lack of sleep or my diet, since I have had dark circles since I was a itty bitty baby. Either way, I am going to gets these circles fixed, I HATE THEM with a passion. I hate them because they make me look tired and sick. When I don't where under eye concealer I get "Are you feeling ok?" "You look sick." Honestly I look a scab and missing tooth away from being a crack addict, seriously. If I'm not wearing concealor I'll honestly avoid eye contact, it's that bad of a insecurity. I hate hate hate them.
On to a different subject, I am still having a hard time dealing with not smoking. It bothers me every day. You know how bad I want to smoke a cigarette? I think about it EVERYDAY. It bothers me that so much time has passed and it is still as intense as the day I stopped. I weigh the pro's and con's about it, thinking it'd make it easier, nope, doesn't work. I know I don't want Lily to be that girl in her class that always smells like cigarettes, even her backpack. I know I don't want her to grow up with a smoking mother that tells her it's bad for her. I know that I don't want to have wrinkley skin because of it or one day be told I have lung cancer. I know that I don't want to disappoint my husband and parents because I picked up the habit again. I know that I'd be going against my religion tremendously. But what I don't know is how long I can go with this constant nagging feeling that I need /want cigarettes. They were my relaxing time. It was a break from the day, that I didn't need to talk to anyone, read anything, think about anything, just sat there ....i n h a l e................e x h a l e. Awwwww. In a way, and this might sound bizarre, I feel like I lost a part of my defination when I quit smoking. Does that make sense? It doesn't to me either. Whatever. If I never would have started smoking I wouldn't be going through this right now, and I absolutely hate this, I want to punch something. I wish so much wasn't riding on my decision to smoke or not......it's just plain crazy and overwhelming. I am going to go scream inside my pillow now.
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That's weird about the circles- I never heard of that. I hope the derm. can help you out!
ReplyDeleteI can't say I know what you're going through with quitting smoking personally. I mean, I tried it & it was horrible so no more for me. But I see my dad who smokes 3 packs a day- he's been smoking since he was 12!- and he has the problems that come with smoking. My brother's mother (I have a 1/2 brother) just got diagnosed with lung cancer... from smoking. I ~was~ that kid in school who smelled like smoke. My friends would have to go home, change clothes & get a bath after coming to my house. That's embarassing. I know you know that there are definitely more pros than cons to quitting & staying there.
What about meditation? I mean, you pretty much did the same thing with smoking- you didn't think, read, talk, etc while smoking. You could do the same to wind down minus the cigarette. I know it can't be easy but if it was everyone who smokes would be able to quit & the tobacco companies would be bankrupt. Your reward for quitting is a longer life with your daughter, your family, etc. Try to think of it like that :-) ((HUGS))
I know it's hard not smoking. I used to smoke and occasionally I will have a cigarette now. I hate myself for it. I quit for so long but I had the same nagging feeling you have. It never went away and I gave in sadly. I absolutely NEVER smoke anywhere around the girls or anywhere they will ever be. I cannot subject them to smoke b/c of my weakness.
ReplyDeleteI wish I had some encouraging words for you but unfortunately, I don't. All I know is if you do give in, you will feel so bad for breaking your "no smoking streak". And also, if you give in, the nagging feeling doesn't go away either, and you have guilt on top of that. So either way, smoking or not, you are going to want that cigarette. It's a tough battle to fight. I hope you can be stronger than I was :(
That's an awesome suggestion Liz, Thanks. I'll have to find something that works.
ReplyDeleteOH Lauren, don't be that hard on yourself. I have relatives that just had a baby a couple of months ago and she is in the same place you are. And honestly, she just made a different choice than I did, she isn't weaker than me. She is very careful about it like you are. She won't smoke any where remotely near her baby, or hold him until she changes clothes, etc. Thanks for your experience, I never thought of the guilt I would feel if I started up again.
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