Sorry

Why am I just typing a post now? Well, crazy enough, this is the first time I've had more than two minutes to myself. Time is rare these days. I wanted to post my birth story for those interested.
I went to the L & D the morning of August 31st with contractions. I was 39 weeks and 5 days. My husband and I left Lilian at home that morning with my mother, that was tough. I was given a labor room and checked in. I changed into my labor skirt ( that my awesome mother-in-law got me) and nursing shirt and cotton slippers, I was ready!
I was checked by my nurse....only 2cms and 80% effaced, I was disappointed and a little scared. I know how c-section happy a lot of hospitals are, I didn't want a labor that would be so long, that I would get tricked into a c-section.
A little later my little munchkin and mom showed up, Lilian was so happy to be back with us. We set up DVD for her and she ran around the room, so happy. Having her in the room made me endure the contractions so much better.
As my contractions were getting more intense, my doctor checked me again, maybe an hour from the nurse's last check and I was about 3 cm and almost completely effaced. My doctor thought it was a good idea to go ahead and rupture my membranes. That made me nervous. I knew that my pain would ,be intense without the buffer of my amniotic fluid, but I knew that it was the only way my labor would progress, so we went for it.
After about an hour since my water broke, I felt my contractions were too intense to have my daughter in the room, so I sent my mom home with her. I got my music ready, I got in my laboring positions and was bracing for the contraction, and MAN did they hurt. Jace was helping with reflex pressure and massaging, along with talking to me, I couldn't have done it without him. I started swaying while standing off the side of the bed, that seemed to be the best position, until I discovered the position of being on my hands and knees on the bed. That was AWESOME! As the nurse noticed how intense my pain was, she decided to check the progress, HOLY CRAP THE PAIN. I was a five and Haylen was almost completely engaged. Probably 10-15 minutes after she checked me, every contraction came with an intense need to push, the need to push was overwhelming, I couldn't stop it. I was warned and almost yelled at not to push, but I couldnt help it, I was pushing. The pain in my pelvis and on my tail bone was so incredible, that I needed some relief, I asked for a epidural. The anaesthesiologist came right away. She was already on my nerves the second she opened her mouth. The first thing she said to me in a very annoyed voice, "I can't do this if you keep your back straight llike that!" I'M HAVING A CONTRACTION, JERK! I CAN'T HELP IT WHEN MY BODY CONTORTS IN PAIN! YOU THINK I WANT TO DELAY MY PAIN RELIEF?! Finally, she started the process, all the while, I'm pushing with every contraction and moaning, in an attempt to dull the pain. Surprisingly, the deep moaning really helped. As the anaesthesiologist (known as ANN from now on) was trying to get in the epidural, she asked if I've been checked recently, and my attending nurse said no, so she had NO idea how far along I was, but I knew I was close. The ANN started telling me all the warnings and possible side effects of an epidural as she is administering it to my, stating that she might have to go through my tattoo in my back, and if that's the case, that it might get infected since the ink is not sterile, blah blah blah. I was so controlling myself from killing this lady. Finally, after she said she was "done", I got back in my on my knees and hands, I felt absolutely NO relief, nothing changed, the contractions were just as painful and intense.
Next the nurse tried telling my to lay down. I was NOT going to have someone tell me how to labor and in what position. And since I was still enduring very painful contractions and intense pressure, I was still moaning in order to control the pain. Now let me tell you, I was not loud by any means, I was NOT screaming or yelling at all, not even close, I wasn't even talking, I would make eye contact with whoever was talking to me, but I would not respond at all, I was in my zone. As I was moaning, the ANN (why she was still in my room, I have no idea) had the audacity to tell me " Moaning won't get you anywhere, you might as well stop." My husband got scared, he thought I was going to punch her. But, I just looked at her, didn't say a word, just made eye contact and continued to moan. After that, I told the nurse I needed to push the baby out, that she was coming. The nurse didn't even check me. She just called my OB, who wasn't even at the hospital and was rushing to make to me in time. I had to keep on telling the nurse that baby was coming, and I had to push her out. She was frantically calling and paging the doctor. Finally the nurse turned to me and said " I know how and can deliver a baby, I just don't get paid enough." Are you effing kidding me? Thanks for that.
All of a sudden, my doctor came RUNNING into the room as he was rushing his scrubs on. As he sat down to deliver my baby, he said " Oh my GOD, the baby is right there!" I pushed twice, and Haylen was born. I had a first degree tear that was nothing and a couple of stitches. Haylen laid on my chest as they took care of me with cord still attached to her, that's the way I wanted it, I didn't want them to rush cutting the cord. After they washed and weighed her (7lbs 11oz) they gave her back and she nursed right away, latched on no problem. It was awesome.
Jace, Haylen and I had some nice bonding time before the rest of the family came in. Haylen's birth was great in the fact that I was able to feel my body work on it's own and see that my body knew what to do on it's own, but her birth was also a eye opener in the fact that hospitals and it's staff are only concerned with their well being and pay check and you are just another patient to them, nothing more.

All in all, I enjoyed my labor and birth and enjoyed the moment I got to share with my husband, even though at one point I was truly afraid he was going to faint. Here is Haylen's first picture.

Keep watch!!!!

So my awesome man of a husband just bought me a fantastic laptop and I will be bringing it to the hospital when I give birth to Peanut, I will be posting on FB along with my blog and post pictures and of course announcing peanuts name etc. So keep an eye out! I am so anxious! I will be going to L & D tomorrow for a possible induction.

I found this interesting

I am still very involved in breastfeeding even though Lilian weaned about four months ago. I read various articles, keep up with various blogs, help other breasfeeding-to-be moms out, and try my best to give voice to the taboo known as Breastfeeding.
Well all that aside, I found this blog article very interesting, I thought I'd share it with the rest of you, breastfeeding or not, I think it's informative and interesting. Breastfeeding and vaccines.

I cannot sleep, I know I should, but it's not happening. Why? Because I am frozen, I am stuck, just watching you sleep. I am with you all day everyday, but I still can't help but stare at you as you lay in your litltle bed. You look perfect in everyway. I know all moms say that, but you are. There not one thing I'd even begin to think should be different about you.

I have always heard that the love a parent has for a child is unlike any other. It's something you will hear of your life, but your heart won't truly understand those words until you become a mother. As I watch you breathe, I think to myself how I didn't think it was possible to posses a love this vast, this large and deep and true. Sometimes it's honestly scary to love someone this much. To know that my heart no longer belongs to me, it's completely consumed with your little voice, your little hands your little face. You've stolen my heart and it didn't have a chance. It was yours the second I knew I had you in my tummy. And now I have your sister on the way and I know she'll steal my heart too, but I just don't understand how one person is able to love two little girls so much. I know it will happen, it's just crazy how much a person is unaware of until the actual experience comes along. Lilian I love you more than you will understand for a while, you are my life and my heart and of course my little baby girl.

Love forever and ever,
Mom

A couple of things.....

I have more than one thing I want to post about. I mean I could make up for my slacking and make multiple posts.....but I'm lazy, so, no.

First, I'm not sleeping...it's just not happening. I understand it's to be expected when pregnant. You come to that stage of just not being comfortable. I had it with Lilian's pregnancy, so it's not a surprise, but I didn't expect it this early, I'm only 6 months. I thought I had at least two more months to toss and turn all night. Sometimes it's hip and back pain that prevent me from sleeping, sometimes it's Lil'Peanut doing somersaults that keeps me from sleeping and other times I just cannot close my eyes. I'm exhausted, yes, but I cannot close my eyes to save my life. When I do close my eyes, I feel like I cannot get past a light phase of sleep, I don't dream, I simply drift at the top of sleep with a sense of every noise around me. Lilian scratches her head in her toddler bed, I'm awake. Our blinds shift, I'm awake. Peanut does one little kick, I'm awake. ((sigh)) Usually this would make for a very grumpy mama, but surprisingly, I'm not, just annoyed at myself that I cannot sleep. Like I can control it.....lame. If I could, this wouldn't be a problem.
Another thing that is fairly bothersome is my sinus. My nasal sinuses are annoying the crap out of me. I was never one to be bothered by pollen or allergens...ever, even when Florida gets hit hard in the early spring, but being pregnant doesn't help. Your nose goes in over drive when pregnant, and I'm no exception. While being pregnant, I usually get swollen sinuses which congest my sinus and gives me nose bleeds, but lately every morning my usual bloody congestion has been accompanied by sinus burning from the pollen in the air......I want to rip my nose off, but supposedly I need my nose to breath....blah blah blah.

Ok, I'm done complaining, I promise. I really love being pregnant. I was so happy when pregnant with Lilian and this pregnancy is no different. Sometimes I just feel like I'm too busy to enjoy it. But then when I feel Peanut wiggle and shift and kick, I cannot help but smile like a fool.

Now as most of you know, my family and I do not celebrate any holidays. ANY holidays. No birthdays, nothing. So this obviously includes Mother's Day. When people ask and I tell them, nope, we do not celebrate Mother's Day, I get a look of pity that usually confuses me. I really don't need a holiday set a side to remind my family "HEY, Appreciate me Damnit!" because they do on a regular basis. I am sure it's nice to be treated like a queen on a designated day a year, but I really don't feel like I'm missing out, honestly.
Anyways, on to my point, (I wrote that so this doesn't seem like a Mother's day post, it's just plain coincidence.)yesterday I got to thinking about how much I call my mom during the day, everday. After, maybe, the six call, I was thinking: "Why do I call her so much?" We don't always have long, in-depth conversations. It's usually just small talk, just little updates throughout the day, sometimes there will be a minute of silence to two. But I like to hear her voice and talk to her for a second. And then it hit me. She is my comfort. She is my security blanket. Whenever I have a hard time or feel like I am stuck between a impossible rock and hard place that not even the President of the United States of America can help me with, my lifeline is a just a ring away, my mom. There seriously has not been one situation that she wasn't able to fix or help me get through. Sometimes her power to make me feel better, fix my situation or just hug me and let me cry on her shoulder seem out of this world, it really does baffle me that one human being can contain this much comfort. All of my life she has been there, so it's not like this is something new. And of course I went through your typical "I hate everyone, because I'm a teenager." stage, but my mom still managed to be my best friend. Even though I pushed her away and probably made her cry in her bedroom without letting anyone know, she still came to my bedroom and we'd talk until 3 o'clock in the morning. I would tell her everything. She would always know what was going on in my life. Even if I knew she wouldn't like what I did, or be upset, I told her the truth. I couldn't really lie to her, because she was my best friend. I knew that she wouldn't yell or scream at me, make me feel like an idiot or "WHAT DID YOU DO?!". But more or less I know she would calmly say "Alright, well this is what I think we should do...." We had our little secrets, or girl only days, we had fun. That's why I call my mom so much during the day, because not only is she my mother, but she really is my best friends. No matter how much I say that she is, maybe someone will think "well, yeah, most mom's and daughters are good friends." No, we really are. When I look at Lilian I really hope I have her calling my six times a day, just to talk, just to say "So, what are you doing?" "Anything new with you?". I hope I'm her best friend too. Not by obligation, but by choice. That would let me know that I was really a good mom after all.

Moving along

So peanut is a little more than half way done baking. I'm super excited by how fast this pregnancy is going, but I'm also trying to soak it all in at the same time. Does that make sense? I haven't really come to terms that this might be my last pregnancy, I'm blissfully ignorant to that fact. I cannot face that my baby making days will be over, so I'll just leave that page unturned for now. But, in saying that, I think to myself, what will we use as birth control after Lil'Peanut is born? Breastfeeding work very well after Lilian was born, I got my first cycle 13 months after Lili was born and got pregnant the second cycle I had after she was born which was 14 months after she was born. So maybe we can use breastfeeding for maybe the first 6 months and move on to something else, to be extra safe.

So since my particular OB has more patients than he can handle (in my opinion) I have to remind him about a lot things, like pretty much give him a run down of our previous appointment. Why do I stay with him, you say? Well, he is very knowledgeable, understanding and truly listens to your concerns and does what he can to ease them, even if it ridiculous. Anyways, back to my point, I had to remind my doctor that I never received an anatomy scan for peanut, that we found out her gender while scanning my uterine lining for bleeding and oops, there were Lil'Peanuts girly goods. So I have a anatomy scan next week. I'm exciting to see how big she is, she should be close to a pound and a half by next week. I know she is tall or long, whatever. I also know she is smack up against my cervix....not cool. She has nightly battles with my bladder, I'm surprised I haven't peed blood yet, with the Judo chops she gives my bladder.

Lilian on the other hand, is doing awesome, she seriously surprises me everyday with something new that knows and is keeping under wraps. She knows the shape star. And she points to everything that is a star and says: "Stars, STARS!!". She knows the word milk too, well more like mill, but she gets her point across. She is a very bright little girl that loves to observe and learn on her own.
While she is asleep, I find it hard not to stare at her, I just cannot help but stare. She is so adorable and peaceful. Then I get that feeling that I'm sure all mothers of more than one kid has got. The "I feel a little bad about springing a sibling on my only child right now." I wish there was a way to explain it to her, but I know she cannot grasp it at the moment. I let her know there is a baby in my belly, she knows the word baby, but I can tell she gets super confused when I say baby and point to my belly. I love the time we spend together, the pointless cuddles, the afternoon naps, the solo trips to the park or store. No more. She'll have to learn to share "Mama." I think/hope she'll do ok. ((sigh)) We shall see, in what...17 weeks?

I guess that makes me a wimp.

I have a few friends that have children around Lilian's age, give or take a month or two. Now, no two mom's are the same and of course I realize that and there are several things that I did extremely different than them. I'm not saying I'm better by any means, just different. One thing that I saw that we did different and tried putting myself in their shoe and just absolutely couldn't, was being a working mom.
I understand that sometimes this subject is touchy for some, but I really don't care. I am not posting this for working moms to defend themselves, I'm posting this to give everyone a stay-at-home-mom's point of view, or rather, fear. Back to my post->

I've even babysat for said friends, and to see the little one run as fast as they can to reach the door before the parent leaves, honestly, is beyond heartbreaking, and they are not even my child. This happened for well over two months, with no change in this child's reaction. After about two hours (yes, two hours of holding him, cuddling, bottle feeding and rocking.) he'd calm down a little, but anything would set him off. If he'd trip, not fall, just trip, he'd break down crying and run to the front door and bang on it and call "mama."
I know not every child is like this, but honestly, I rather be broke as hell, than have my child feel like I abandoned them everyday like this child honestly felt. When I looked into his eyes, I saw he was scared, not of me or Lili, but it looked like he was scared because he didn't know what was going to happen. When I held him against me, he felt a little better, and I'm guessing because I somewhat substituted the feeling his mother gave him, the feeling he was crying for. I could never subject Lilian to this, ever. There are times that I just closed my eyes and pictured me dropping Lilian off at some daycare and walking away, I literally get teary eyed and goose bumps. I know she'd cry until she would hiccup, I know she wouldn't understand why I was still walking away from her even though I hear her crying, I know she wouldn't know when I was coming back or why I was leaving her in the first place. I couldn't let Lilian feel that insecurity, because I'm her mother, I am her security, at least at the this age.
AGAIN, I am not saying working mothers suck or do a horrible job, blah blah blah. I'm just saying I couldn't do it and I know how my child would feel and I feel I couldn't let her feel like that if I had the power to prevent it.
I have never left Lilian with anyone other than her father or my mother, two people she feels just as close to as me. I will NEVER leave her with anyone else. Call me prude, overprotective, whatever, I call it safe and secure. She loves her father to pieces and she loves my mom, she trust them, she feels SAFE with them and that is what matters. There have been plenty of times I had to strap Lilian to me and bring her to a GYN appointment or something similiar because my husband or mother weren't available. Do I have other relatives or friends there? Of course, would I trust them? Maybe. Would Lilian? No. And that answer means Lilian is coming with me.

You know when I think about it, I can see that maybe I am just as scared as Lilian to have ever put her in a daycare, I guess that makes me a little overprotective, but honestly I couldn't careless, because we have a awesome bond. A bond that I never could have imagined I would ever have with my daughter. I understand that me not being able to let her go to just anyone makes me seem a little over the top or wimp-ish, but again, I don't care. I look at it as this. I got pregnant with the mind set that my full time job for the next18 years is going to be a mother. Not a half-ass mom (not saying working mom's are...just listen.) were I am going to keep going out, acting young. I am going to do my best in every quality of Lilian's or any of my children's life. That means treat my pregnancy with the highest care and treat my infant to best care etc. One of those things was for me to stay at home and be the one that raises my child, not someone else.

So when Lil'Peanut gets here, I'm going to be her daycare too, because I think that's the way she would rather have it. Are we going to be broke? Yes. But does Lilian and Peanut have the most toys and clothes on the block? Yes. Are they still well fed and get the best diapers? Yes. And that is what matters.